Thursday, September 25, 2008

Criminal Farts (or: "I'll batter you to death with my wind")

I simply could not withhold this from my esteemed readers. And, no, it's not from Pravda, as odd as that may sound.

Man Passes Gas, Charged with Battery on Officer

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. (WSAZ) -- As if getting a DUI wasn’t enough, a man arrested for driving under the influence got in a lot more trouble at the police station.

Police stopped Jose Cruz on Route 60 in South Charleston Monday night for driving with his headlights off.

Then, he failed sobriety tests and was arrested.

When police were trying to get fingerprints, police say Cruz moved closer to the officer and passed gas on him. The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong.

Cruz is now charged with battery on a police officer, as well as DUI and obstruction.

Battery? What? I know that legalese is a language for specialized retards, but the notion of being 'battered' by a whiff of foul-smelling air...

The mind does boggle.

There are troubling questions here, make no mistake. Miscarriage of justice is a distinct possibility. The judge hearing this farcical charge will have to battle his or her desire to crack toilet jokes. The offended policeperson will require counselling for nasal trauma, and who will pay for that? And one wonders how traumatized said policeperson is every time they sit on a toilet engaged in producing all kinds of smells?

The list of questions is endless. Truly, this is a timeless story, because people always have and presumably always will pass wind at some time or another; most of it smelling vile. This particular instant, however, is almost worthy of making it into one of those anal-juvie-toilet-joke US movies that keep on finding backers to produce and morons to go and watch them.

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